Tactical Measures

The last two nights in a row we've had some pretty rough sleep challenges. We keep having issues where Charlotte wakes up to eat but doesn't stay in her light sleep mode and ends up waking up and fussing really bad. Fussing isn't really the right word. Screaming and squirming is more accurate.

This doesn't seem like it's all that atypical for a newborn. Honestly it's not really that big of a deal. She'll do the same thing during the day and it doesn't phase me. For some reason her fussiness at night pushes me to the brink of my sanity. The last two nights I've ended up in an uncontrollable sobbing heap on the floor in the fetal position.

So I'm on a mission to figure out how to at least keep my temperament under control even if she's going to fuss.

Tactic #1:
Change my sleep schedule.

I think there are three reasons for my over-emotional reactions to her late night fussing.

Reason 1 is that I keep thinking that if I'm asleep around midnight I'm getting better sleep. This is probably true for people who get the normal 6-8 hours and go to bed before midnight. But judging from my daytime haze, I don't think it's doing me much good. So I'm not going to bother trying to get to bed before then.

Reasons 2 and 3  are that I got my hopes up and that I don't wake up well. I've had a few successful attempts at getting her to latch while I'm still laying down and half asleep where she's eaten and just fallen asleep on me again (a huge pro for co-sleeping). I've hardly had to wake up in these instances and barely remember getting her latched on to eat. When this doesn't work I have to completely wake up and sit up to get her to latch. This just sets me on a bad trajectory. I get really pissed off when I've had to wake up abruptly when I felt I should be able to go back to sleep. Ask my mom about when she had to wake me for school! I get downright mean. My frustration contributes to her frustration and she fusses that much more.

My tactic in lieu of these challenges is to expect not to sleep tonight. I'm not even going to try to go to bed. I'm going to sit in my recliner and have the lights and the tv on and if I fall asleep it's fine, but I'm not going to try to actually go to bed or actively try to get any sleep. I'd rather be tired enough to nap with her tomorrow than in this haze where I feel too tired to sleep and am completely exhausted by the time I get to bedtime.

Tactic #2:
Reset baby's sleep schedule.

Charlotte sleeps for long intervals during the day and shorter ones at night. This needs to be reversed if I'm going to get any deep sleep at night. So I've been working hard all day to keep her awake longer and to only let her sleep a couple hours at a time. There are many culprits for why she's been sleeping more during the day, and most of them are my fault.

First is that a sleeping baby is easier for visitors to enjoy. I've been letting her sleep longer because we have people around that want to hold her and I tend to avoid feeding her when there are people around.

Second is that I've been maintaining the philosophy of "if she's sleeping, she must need it." I'm starting to suspect that it isn't true and she can get the same long chunks of sleep at night that she's getting during the day.

Third is that I'm lazy. Feeding her is a challenge and I avoid it.  Time gets away from me when I'm trying to get something done (like blogging!) or we're out somewhere. It's easier to just let her sleep away the hours especially if I don't want to feed her in public or want to interrupt a roll that I'm on with something.

I kept her awake for a couple hours this afternoon, let her sleep from around 4 until 7 and then she was awake from 7 until just a little bit ago around 11. This is probably the most that I've kept her awake and the most that I've interrupted her sleep during the day. I'm hoping it pays off tonight!

Happy Anniversary!

Today makes 2 years for Paul and I. On our drive home last night we were trying to remember how long it's been that we've actually been in a relationship. We figured out it's been something like 5 or 6 years . . . we couldn't actually figure out which! It's weird to think that it's been that long. And the crazy thing is time just keeps going and now we have this little person as a result of it.

So, to celebrate we started the day with Charlottes postnatal appointment. She's 7lbs. 11oz now. I'm looking forward to when she hits 8 pounds because we'll be able to start using her g-diapers instead of disposables. yay! We also had to do her second heel poke. I started crying when she screamed in pain. It broke my heart that I couldn't keep her from hurting, even if it was for a good reason.

After her appointment we went to Kenny & Zukes for lunch. The best part is that when we went two years ago the day after our wedding we got a show with our lunch. There was a guy standing buck naked in a window of the hotel across the street stretching and scratching himself while taking in the view. Luckily the bottom of the window was just the right height to prevent too much nudity. We go back on our anniversary mostly because the food's awesome, but also to see if we'll have another story to tell.  There was no story this year, but luckily Little Toot slept the entire time (the nickname is pretty self explanatory).

Best Pastrami Reuben EVER!

After lunch we went to the very crowded rose garden where she woke up and wanted to be fed. We finally managed to find a shady spot to sit that wasn't too crowded so I could feed her, but it was still pretty out in the open. I'm not a fan of breastfeeding in public. It doesn't help that people gawk at us when we have her because she's so small and new, let alone when my boobs out, even though it's covered up. We drug her stroller up several stairs back to the car after that and changed her before heading home.

Tonight we're going to the pool to meet more people. I'm excited to see one of my classmates babies, and her too because it's been weeks since I've seen everyone. I'm also looking forward to getting a popsicle!

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

I'm lucky enough right now that my baby girl is sleeping in her car seat after the drive home so I'm able to write this post . . . although Paul's tempting fate and pulling her out of her seat now. So I guess I'll type fast!

Side Lying Position

I'd been warned that the sleep deprivation the first couple of weeks would be hard. Just like any life experience, you don't really know what it's like until you've been there. Well, we've been there. Everyone copes with this period of infant parenting differently I imagine. With all of the challenges of Charlotte latching and eating properly I was glad that at least I'd begun to conquer the side-lying latch with the help of the nipple guard. With this trick up my sleeve I've been able to feed her when she wakes up and then I can just leave her and doze until she's done. Before I was having to completely wake up and sit up to feed her.

Well, last night my strategy wasn't so successful. After I'd fed her this way twice on each side with no cessation of her crying and fussing, I had to get up. I tried feeding her sitting up, but still she fussed. I got up and sat in my recliner in the living room where I attempted to feed her again. Nothing was working. She had stopped crying and was just chattering so I figured maybe if I just held her she'd go to sleep. I dozed but she ended up screaming again. After about 3 and half hours of this I couldn't take anymore. I'd only gotten about two hours of sleep at this point. I started screaming and sobbing. Paul got up and I handed her to him and just sat and cried in despair.

I went back to the bed to try to sleep while Paul consoled Charlotte in the living room, but I couldn't fall asleep listening to her cry. Probably 20 minutes later Paul came back in and suggested I try feeding her again. I sat up and fed her and finally she fell asleep as did I. At this point it was daylight outside.

I woke up around 9 feeling much more rested than I expected on 3 hours of sleep. The light was so nice this morning that I attempted to take some pictures of Charlotte on the bed. I was hoping to feed her and get her to go back to sleep, but she wasn't having any of it. It took about 2 1/2 hours, but I managed to get a couple of decent photos. They weren't what I was going for, but they're not bad. I have newfound respect for people who get amazing shots of sleeping infants. This is what I ended up with. I think I will try a couple more times to figure out how to get the pictures I really want of her.

Black & White...

and Color

Twinkle Toes!

We went to my parents today for a barbecue where more family could meet the new baby. My mom and aunt suggested that the reason she was so fussy last night was because of something I ate. Then it occurred to me that I had eaten some pretty funky food at the summer festival and Uwajimayas the day before. Apparently squid and octopus don't agree with my little one. Lesson learned! Now I'm going to research some more to find out what foods I should avoid with breastfeeding so I don't have more sleepless nights! 

For now, time to get some more sleep! 

Redefining Normal

For months the thought has been crossing my mind, "eventually things will be normal again." So many "normal" things are disrupted through pregnancy and then with a new baby. Things like potty breaks, what clothes you wear, standing up and sitting down, exercising, sleep, walking, shopping. Normal things.

There were several things that I expected to be better as soon as I had the baby. It seems that they have actually gotten more difficult, I just don't feel uncomfortable all of the time. Potty breaks are fewer and further between but really painful still. Clothing is actually more limited because my maternity clothes are all too big and too warm now and my pre-pregnancy clothes are all too small and now I have to be able to get to my boobs at a moments notice. Exercise is out. Sleep is a distant memory. Walking is out. Shopping is out. Normal seems to be eluding me.

Today we went to Target to get a few more baby things (diapers, wipes, etc..). My typical trip to Target includes walking a lap or two around the store, browsing at the usual clothes, housewares, cleaning stuff, beauty stuff and jewelry and then purchasing the 3-5 things I actually went for. This trip included a scooter, a fussy baby, lots of public attention, stops at two departments and a beeline for the register. I'm pretty sure some things will return to a state of "normal", but I'm also certain that some things, like shopping at Target, will have to be reshaped into a new version of normal.

Now my normal includes breast-feeding, sore nipples, achy hips, sleeping and not sleeping at all hours of the day and night, feeling exhausted from walking to and from the bathroom and having to be helped with just about everything. Some of these things I know will get better. In the meantime I feel pretty pathetic. But I guess it's not too bad of a trade for my baby girl and at least I have lots of guilt trip ammo when she's a teenager!

1 Week

Today was a busy day for us. Charlotte had her first bath outside of the tub. We took a video for Paul's parents since they won't be able to come see her until August. The Puj tub we bought on craigslist is way cool. It fits into any sink and it's way squishy so she was pretty comfortable. As soon as I pulled her out of the tub she pooped on the towel and it dripped on my foot. Luckily I hadn't drained the sink yet so I washed her off again.

We took her to Yuen Lui where we had some pictures done. I had bought a groupon quite awhile ago. She was wide awake for the pictures, but it was a rather messy affair. She managed to spit up on her dress, then when we got her out of her clothes she peed on me. While they were changing out the backgrounds she pooped on me too. I feel like a mom now! I wasn't terribly thrilled with the photos, so I'm glad we had a coupon. Even the one we chose I wished had been a little better, but I guess it's the best you can do with an alert newborn. Perhaps I will try to get some studio quality photos while she's sleeping later.

After pictures we grabbed lunch and took her to her 1 week appointment at Andaluz. It was so nice going back. It's one of my favorite places to be! They weighed her and found that she's at 7 lbs 1 oz now, so she's gained about 2 oz a day since last Friday. Basically, she's thriving. They also took her footprints (not her favorite activity) and gave us a birth card along with a hand-made blanket. It's a way cute blanket.

It's amazing to think that it's been a whole week already. Two weeks ago I was pregnant still. 1 week ago was her birthday. It's crazy how fast it goes! In the meantime I'm trying to take lots of pictures and videos and enjoying every moment with her - even if she's pooping on me!

My Natural Unmedicated Childbirth!

Charlotte Rose Goshorn
Born, June 21st 2011
7lbs, 6oz

Well, the long awaited post is here! Charlotte is currently sleeping on my chest in the moby wrap after a big breakfast on both our parts. It's been a long few days, but I think we're finding our stride and finally getting some decent sleep.

So here's the incredibly detailed super long story!

I'd say it started Sunday. I went to my parents for the day to play with my sisters new kitten. As I've posted previously, pregnancy had worn out its welcome and I had been doing everything I could think of to try to get it to leave. The kitten definitely helped me feel better. Paul and I got home and decided to go for a walk. We walked about a mile round trip to Fred Meyer where we shared a rainbow jello parfait.
Sleep that night was really limited. I fell asleep really late, woke up several times, and ended up getting up after about 5 hours. My mom called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over to play with the kitten again. She picked me up about 8 and we went back to her house where we collected my popi and took him to get his blood test.

After Popi's blood test we went to McDonalds and had a big breakfast. before we went back to the house. I took a nap and then gave the kitten a flea bath. Around 10 I lost my mucus plug. I actually wasn't sure if this is what it was because I had expected something different. I texted my midwife, Dana, and told her I thought maybe my water broke, but I wasn't sure. She texted me some instructions for what to do and told me to keep her posted.

I spent the rest of the afternoon napping and playing with the kitten. I had a few cramps here and there, but nothing really noticeable. My mom suggested we go to the store to get stuff for dinner, so Popi and I followed her around Safeway like a couple of sheep. Walking at this point was really tiring. My hips and lower back were achey and I was really tired. I think I took another nap when we got back home.
Paul, my sister and my dad got to the house around 5:30 and about 6 we sat down outside for dinner. My brother randomly came by as well. We were dishing up our food and chatting when I felt my water break. I looked up wide eyed and ran to the bathroom.

When I came back out I was giddy with excitement. Finally! A substantial sign! We ate dinner and I started to have some cramps, but they were not terribly bad and pretty random. I texted Dana again to let her know and she gave me some more instructions. I was eager to get home to make banana bread (this was my labor project and I wanted to take it for the midwives) and take a shower, so we packed up and made our way home. Paul needed to go to the store for something so I got straight to work cleaning the kitchen and getting banana bread made having more cramps all the while.

As soon as I got the bread in the oven to bake, I took a shower. For some reason I had it in my head that I needed to have nice hair for when people took pictures. I showered and got into some loose comfortable clothes about when Paul got back from the store. At this point the cramps started to be stronger and more frequent. We sat down with a package of oreos to watch the King's Speech about 9:30. The contractions were frequent enough that Paul started using the contraction calculator. I was able to breath through them and continue watching the movie for probably an hour, making frequent trips to the toilet. Then the contractions really started to pick up.

I feel the need to describe what a contraction actually felt like. Menstrual cramps are the closest feeling I think. After weeks of braxton hicks contractions where my belly got really hard, I had expected them to be more like that. Instead the pain was very broad and low in my pelvis, not really sharp. Each contraction felt like a dimmer light. It was pretty dim at first and then it would gradually grow more bright and intense for awhile and then dim back down again to nothing.

I couldn't stay in one place anymore and I started having to moan through the contractions. I kept cycling between the bathroom, the couch and the balance ball with Paul trailing behind me to help me through them and to keep them timed. Then breathing and moaning stopped being effective and we gave up trying to finish the movie.

Probably around 11 I had Paul give me an update on the contractions calculator. They were a minute long on average, about two minutes apart for about 45 minutes to an hour. I texted Dana to tell her. She said to take a bath and to try to get some sleep. I got in the tub and told Paul that I was so glad that I had a bigger one to look forward to rather than an epidural and a night on my back! The bath didn't help the contractions slow down at all and I was getting frustrated and really exhausted so I got out and tried to lay in the bed.

I tried to stay in bed through a few contractions and got frustrated knowing I couldn't sleep. I started to cry because I was so incredibly tired. I even felt myself doze a bit between each one. I got up and went to the living room where I ended up on all fours on the floor. Paul had to rush to get me a bowl before I threw up. Around midnight he asked if I wanted to call Dana.

I did want to call, but I also felt like it couldn't be happening this fast and I didn't want to endure a car ride only to be sent home. Paul called her anyway and told her what was happening. He asked if I wanted to go in. I really wanted to go in, but I hesitated a bit and finally nodded that yes I did want to go in. Dana told Paul and her apprentice, Nicole, would meet us there in about 45 minutes.
I was so happy knowing I would be getting in the big tub soon. Paul started getting our things together to put in the car while I tracked my contractions on his phone. I knew we couldn't leave for another half an hour and thankfully the gap between the contractions was a little longer for awhile. Finally we were able to leave. Paul helped me get out to the car. At this point I was pretty loud. I tried to breathe through the contraction I had walking out so I wouldn't yell and wake up the neighbors.

The car ride was about 15 minutes but it felt like 5. We pulled into the parking lot at the center right as Nicole did. I had another contraction walking in to the birth center. I sat on the couch in the lobby moaning through my contractions as she rushed around getting our room set up. I made my way into the room and was so happy to see the water running into the tub.

She checked my pulse and my blood pressure and then used a doppler to track the baby's heartbeat. It felt like it took forever because it was hard to find it and then she had to start over after each contraction. I labored a little longer as Nicole finished checking everything and I felt more fluid come through. I ran to the bathroom so I could sit on the toilet but ended up getting sick instead. I remember feeling guilty for making such a mess in their pretty bathroom. Finally I was able to get into the tub.

It felt so good to be in the water and really took the edge off of the contractions, but it still really really hurt. It wasn't long before I started feeling the urge to push. Nicole suggested I not bear down as hard yet  and had me reposition myself so that my legs weren't flailing in the water. She told me Dana was on her way. I wanted to wait for her to get there because I couldn't have my baby without Dana there! A few minutes later Dana arrived. I was so happy to see her and I woke up from my trance long enough to smile and tell her so. Not long after my other midwife's apprentice, Jules, got there. Then the urge to push really started to pick up.

After probably half an hour Dana suggested I get out of the tub to help my pushes be more productive. I knew she was right but I didn't want to move and ruin all the work I'd already done. I was getting so tired and frustrated that I finally started to get up and move. I ended up squatting in the tub with Paul holding me up while I pushed. Then I worked my way out of the tub. I made it two steps toward the bed before I braced my arms on the bed and continued pushing. Then I lowered myself into a squat and the pushes started to get really hard. I knew the screaming I was doing was going to ruin my voice but I didn't care, I wanted her out!! They helped me sit on a birth stool so I wouldn't kill my legs and I finally started to feel her head move down.

I pushed and pushed and they told me they could see her head. I was so relieved to see the end in sight that I really started to bear down. Then I felt the "ring of fire" when her head finally crowned. Up until this point the pain was a pretty throbbing broad pain. This pain, which I knew would happen, was sharp and acute. I didn't expect it to last as long as it did. I pushed several times as hard as I could hoping it would stop if I really worked hard but it wasn't stopping. I started to get really upset and didn't want to try anymore because I was so exhausted and it was taking too long! Then they showed me her head in the mirror and I knew I could do it. I really bore down and pushed and pushed and finally felt the relief of her head come through followed by her cry. A few pushes later I felt her shoulders come through as
Dana and Paul lifted her to my chest. It was about 3:22 am.

They helped me get off the birth stool and lay down on the floor. Her umbilical cord wasn't very long and I couldn't pull her up very high. It hurt to have it tight against my vagina and I just wanted to deliver the placenta so the cord wasn't pulling anymore. It took about ten minutes before it finally came out. In the meantime everyone was running around the room cleaning up and checking things. I don't know how much time passed before the took the baby to clean her off and check her apgar scores. Then they gave her to Paul.

He held her while they helped me get up into the bed. I was so dizzy and drained. They gave me a tincture to help with the dizzyness and got me into the bed. Everything was so hazy and I felt like I was asleep and awake at the same time. They gave me the baby and helped us get situated while they finished cleaning everything. Dana helped my get her to latch and try to eat a little bit before we went to sleep. Then they said their goodbyes and we were left in the bed. It felt so still and odd after such a flurry of activity. I was a bit dazed and confused. I hadn't expected them to leave her in the bed with us and I didn't know what to do. So I went with it and tried to sleep.


Charlotte was very vocal. She cried and chattered for hours. She was even chattering in her sleep. I slept restlessly for a few hours and woke up to find Nicole checking her to make sure she was okay. Paul was concerned with how much noise she was making and was worried she was in pain. Nicole said she was fine and just really needed to tell us everything that had happened to her. I slept a little longer after that and we got up around 8 to eat breakfast.

The next day was so long and short at the same time. We worked on breast feeding several times throughout the day with little success. My mom and Popi visited us around 1, then a massage therapist came and gave me a massage. I was surprised at how awake and energized I felt after so much work and so little sleep. My dad and sister came to visit after that. We ordered dinner from Chevy's and ate before I took a sitz bath. I was so excited to get in the tub with Charlotte. She'd been pretty fussy all day having had little success with breast feeding. She was fussy before we got in the tub but I figured the water would help. Instead she fussed and cried in the water so I pulled her to my chest where she proceeded to poo all over me. It was a short bath.

We watched some daily show on hulu and then went to bed. She woke up around 2:30 to try to eat again, and we had no luck. It didn't work very well at 4:30 either. Around 6:30 we woke up and tried again. I got her to feed pretty well and then she was bright eyed and awake for an hour or so. I felt pretty good so I walked around the birth center with her. No one was around and I was kind of sad that no one could enjoy her good mood with me.

About 7:30 the post-partum care ladies switched shifts. We said goodbye to Pippa and hello to Heather. Heather made me some oatmeal and fruit which I ate while Paul slept. I tried to feed her again, but she wasn't latching as well as she had earlier that morning. Around 11:30 the stream of visitors started to come. Sadly Charlotte was fussy from not being able to eat properly but she did sleep long enough for lots of people to hold her. My parents and sister came around 2 when I was trying to feed her again with some help from Heather. It just wasn't working so she got another midwife to come in and try to help me. I ended up crying from frustration while the midwife helped me calm her down.

I took a nap and my family left. When I woke up I started crying uncontrollably. Paul rubbed my neck and shoulders with some Arnica cream because I was really sore. More visitors came in the evening ending with my brother and his girlfriend around 10.

After they left we decided to attempt another bath. It still didn't go very well, but lasted a bit longer than the previous one. Charlotte woke up twice in the night to eat with little success. The next morning I woke up shivering and shaking. My stomach felt like it had sunk (that ucky hangover sour stomach feeling) and I couldn't get warm. I cried uncontrollably while I tried to get warm in the chair. Heather came to check on me to make sure I was okay. I managed to rest in the chair while she got me a ton of food for breakfast. (see Facebook Status ha!) I rested and tried to feed Charlotte, again with little success, while Paul started to get us packed up and ready to go home.

Heather and Pippa switched shifts again and Pippa came in to start doing the discharge process with us. She went over post-partum stuff for me and newborn stuff for the baby and then checked my blood pressure, pulse, and uterus. I napped a bit after that. I woke up to find Pippa and Paul doing the checkout stuff for Charlotte. She'd lost 10 oz. in the last two days, a fairly normal amount. We got her dressed and put in the car seat while we gather the last remnants of our things to go home.

Dana knitted the little yellow
hat out of yarn from our birth
class. 

The air outside felt so good on my skin after being in our hot room for so long. I hadn't realized how warm and humid our room was without being able to open any windows. It was sunny and I thought it was a nice way to end our stay. Charlotte slept all the way home and some.

I am so proud of myself for doing this naturally. It was worth the lack of medication to see my baby girls big bright open eyes within hours of her being born. Since we've been home, Nicole has come to check on us and to make sure both baby and me are healthy and doing well. Charlotte lost a little more weight, but has been feeding really well now since we introduced nipple shields into the feeding equation. Andaluz was fan-frickin-tastic and everyone that visited was stunned by how incredibly nice the center was. The guidance and support of my midwife team and the post-partum team made this such a wonderful experience. I wouldn't have done it any other way!

Estimated Due Date Myths

I posted this on my baby center board this morning:

Tomorrow is my 40 week due date. I basically cry on a daily basis at this point because of how horribly uncomfortable I am ALL THE TIME. I've literally tried everything to get this baby out. Sex, walking, epo, red raspberry tea, insanely spicy food, pineapple, bumpy roads, accupressure, chiropractor, excessive nipple stimulation etc... basically I've learned that she's not coming out until she's good and ready and these things really just make me more crabby and uncomfortable. Especially the spicy food.

I've read other threads that people have posted about being past their due date and everyone helpfully suggests "get a massage, go for a walk, watch a movie etc.." I do these things and some. I try to keep myself busy and distracted. But these things are so temporary. 

Yesterday I found the cure! Kittens. I spent the entire day yesterday playing with and cuddling my sisters new kitten and for one day, I didn't think about the labor I was not in. 

So if you're miserable and in pain and nearly every activity sounds stupid and labor pain sounds like pure joy, go find a kitten. 

I have gotten quite a few responses. Most of the responses have been about how amusing this is. But then someone posted this awesome article.

The Lie of the Estimated Due Date

So, fellow preggers, if you get to your "edd" this might make you feel better because it certainly makes me feel better.

Someone else also said that they had heard in their birth class that warm fuzzy feelings can trigger the release of oxytocin which is the hormone that causes contractions. Kittens definitely give people warm fuzzy feelings. I guess we'll see if this works!