Sacred Sleep

Having a baby means relinquishing control over elements of your life that you never thought you'd let someone else dictate. Most of these elements aren't so bad. I take my baby to work with me, I eat when I get a chance, I take her to various meetings, lunch dates, shopping trips etc... I can maintain most of my life with some adjustments. But sleep is a whole other thing.

My baby won't go to sleep at night. I spent two hours trying to put her down. I tried holding her, swaddling, feeding, covering her in a heated blanket, singing, shushing, following her sleep cues, changing her position in the crib, massage, teething medicine, warm water. But after two hours of trying to make sleep a non-negative event I just let her scream herself to sleep. An hour and a half later, she was up again. Then again at 4:30. And she doesn't just lie there anymore. Oh no, she pulls herself up to standing and watches me from her crib. She watches me, and she yell cries at me!

I make a lot of changes at the whim of my baby. But now I'm being taunted by a 7 month old! It's as though she's standing in her crib saying, "MOM!!! YOU DON"T GET TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS I SAY SO!!!"

Sure, people warn you that you'll not get any sleep after you have a baby. I even had a couple months where she slept 6 hours uninterrupted. It was a lie! A bait and switch!
I was warned I'd lose sleep after my baby was born. No one said you're baby would mock you! I'm exhausted, she's exhausted, my whole family that has to hear her all night is exhausted. Where's the off button? WHERE IS IT?!!!

This baby seems cute and innocent right?
WRONG. The truth is he's trying
to BREAK YOU

Good News!

Today has been a good day. I had a rehearsal with my accompanist for NATS that went very well, followed by a visit to my mortgage agent. After she left our first bank I didn't have any of her contact info but luckily she called me and I gave her my info so I could have her be our agent again. She's really awesome if you're looking for a good lender, I'm happy to pass on her information.

For the last several months we've been attempting to pay down debt in order to qualify for a home loan and the Oregon Grant. The Oregon Grant is a down payment assistance program that covers a 3% down payment. The problem we were having is that the criteria for the loan that works with the program is a bit more particular. So we were paying down specific credit cards and trying to get Paul's credit score up. The loan officer that had been assigned to us after our first officer left seemed less than enthusiastic about getting us qualified. I had to ask him several times to rerun our credit to see if any improvements had shown up yet. So when she called me I was thrilled to have her back!

Today I finally got to meet up with her and have her run our numbers. The great thing about Jenny is that if she hits a wall with one program she'll keep looking for other options. The Oregon Grant is out of funds right now so that was a dead end, but we do qualify for an FHA loan. The challenge with this is that we'd need a down payment, but we aren't left at the mercy of Oregon Grant funds. What's awesome is that not only do we qualify for the FHA loan, we qualify for about $50k more than what we were approved for a year ago. Thank you lower interest rates! This higher limit also is still within our monthly budget.

So now we're on a mission to get a down payment saved and to find a house!

Seasoned Travelers

Yesterday Paul, Charlotte and I got home from our 5 day trip to visit Paul's parents up in Northport Washington. If you've never heard of it, you're normal. It's literally a 3 block strip of buildings on a highway you probably wouldn't be on unless you're going to Northport or a town you've also never heard of in Canada.

The time leading up to our trip ended up being far more eventful than I had expected. My Oma died Saturday night which led to a week of making arrangements for her funeral. I wasn't too involved in all of this other than having to learn some hymns to sing for it, but it still felt like I had lots to do. Still, I managed to get all three of us packed so we could catch our flight the next morning.

I learned quite a bit in traveling with our baby. First, Southwest has a customer for life. They were very accommodating and even made a copy of Charlotte's boarding pass for her baby book. They also let us take her carseat on the plane both ways (something you usually have to pay for) for no extra charge.

Having the space to ourselves in the loft was extremely nice. Right now our living situation is one where we have no option but to have Charlotte sleep in the same room with us. This makes sleep training virtually impossible. After one night of fussing, Charlotte slept nearly the entire night in her own room the rest of the time we were there. She also napped longer during the day. It was delightful. It was also blissful to have Paul around to take on some of the parenting duties. He changed her and put her down for her naps most of the time during the day.

I took two things away from this.

First, we need a home of our own asap. Charlotte's new favorite activity is to pull herself up and stand on her own. We don't have a crib that fits in our tiny bedroom and is deep enough to keep her from toppling over the railing. She also doesn't sleep as long knowing mom is a few feet away. It was so nice having a space of our own and having her things in her room. I miss it even now as I sit in my bed trying to keep my computer out of her reach as I type. Her reach that shouldn't even be an issue because she should be asleep in her crib in her own room right now rather than wriggling all over my bed at 11pm.

Second, Paul needs another job. I'm grateful that he has a job that provides him with a minimum of 40 work hours, decent pay, good benefits and vacation time. I am not grateful for the mandatory overtime that takes away his weekends and nearly any time he could spend with Charlotte during the week, the graveyard shift that has me dealing with Charlotte alone at night and has him sleeping during they day leaving him barely functional when he is awake, and his never being able to take his vacation time when he wants it. Having him present and awake was a reminder of the kind of dad he could be if he was able to be home after a solid night's sleep and of how much easier parenting is when you don't have to do it by yourself all of the time.

Okay, so perhaps I already knew that I wanted our own house and for Paul to have a day job that didn't require him to work 50+hour work weeks, but getting a glimpse of what that might be like made me want it more. Perhaps having a taste of what we're working for will be what we need to get things moving!

New Years Resolutions

I went to bed with Charlotte around 8:30 this evening. Unfortunately after playing with her, reading with her (she read her book and I read mine), feeding her and getting her to sleep I could not convince my brain to shut down. I attribute this to two things.

First, I've started reading Thom Hartmann's book "Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight." It's about our use of fossil fuels and their impact on our species and our planet etc... basically some deep shit! I feel like its my responsibility to at least try to keep up with current events and to at least do something about what I think is wrong in the world. This is something I think is wrong in the world. Very wrong. I couldn't stop thinking about the impact of what I'd just read.

Second I wrote down my to-do list for tomorrow - it's rather long since I've been putting several chores off over the holiday and especially because we'll be flying to visit Paul's parents week after next. I have some work to do! I also decided to write down my New Years Resolutions.

In the past I've avoided New Years Resolutions usually because there's a stigma (at least to me) that they're meant to fail and that they're always about the same things - losing weight and being a better person. You are who you are, how you live isn't going to change because the planet has made it's loop in the solar system. In spite of all this I wrote some anyway. I'm going to justify it this year because I've already been working on them, and I made them the sorts of goals that I'll meet at different points throughout the year.

Here's my list:

1. Spend more face time with important people in my life.
2. Have an "unplugged" day once a week.
3. Walk 20 minutes EVERY DAY.
4. Start Dragon Boating again.
5. Cut out all sugar for the month of January and July.
6. Give a recital.
7. Find a paid position singing at a church
8. Journal my dreams.

Now here's my justifications - not because I think you need to know them, but because I can't sleep for thinking about them.

1. One of the major reasons we wanted to move to the east side was because we wanted to be closer to our support system of friends and family. We did just have a baby and this tends to throw a wrench into making plans with people and Paul works 50+ hour work weeks so this is rather challenging. But I'm a social person and the people I surround myself have a big impact on my day to day life. I want to surround myself with the people that support me and make me feel good about life and myself. So be warned, I may become rather annoying at trying to spend time with you.

2. I was listening to talk radio - something I tend to do often - and I don't remember who had said it but the host talking struck a cord (chord?) with me. He said that he and his wife had come to an agreement when they had their first baby last year that they wanted to be present for their children. This means something very different now than it did even 5 years ago. In this day and age it is very easy to get swept up in technology. I consider myself a key offender. I already find myself mindlessly ignoring my baby because I'm on facebook. I don't want my baby to grow up feeling like she has to compete with my computer.  So I'm going to try to block out one day a week - or the equivalent spread over the week - where there is no tv, no computer, no smart phone, no video games.

3. This goes back to my high cholesterol problem. My doctor told me the key issue is my lack of exercise. I need to make it a priority to get my butt moving in one chunk of time every day without fail. I can add other exercise that's more challenging if I want as an alternate, but I need to be doing something and since I had Charlotte it hasn't been happening. So come rain, come shine, come hell or high water, I'm taking to the streets. 20 minutes a day. Every day.

4. I missed Dragon Boating so much last year and what's worse is I had conflicts whenever there was a race that was close enough for me to go support so I didn't get to see my team once last year. I miss them terribly! I miss the invigoration of being out on the river. I miss being a part of something. So come spring, I'm getting my chubby butt back out on that boat and starting from square one again. I just hope they'll have me!

My reward if successful.

5. This is also related to my cholesterol, but also because I find it kind of disturbing at how thoroughly addicted I am to refined sugar. This includes fake sugar too. I'd like to make this something I do more permanently and I may adjust the frequency that I do my sugar detox, but for now I'm going to hit a 30 day cleanse.

6. I've been thinking about doing this since the Fall anyway, but if I put it on paper, I'm more likely not to back down from the challenge. I want to grow as a singer. This is how I'm going to do it. I don't care if I sing to an audience of 10, I'm going to make it happen!

7. I'm debatable about this still. First it conflicts with dragon boating quite a bit - although most church jobs give you a sabbatical during the summer when paddling is in full swing. But I would like to be singing on a regular basis and I would like to be earning a paycheck. The other nice thing about this is the hours are conducive to a full time mom.

8. This is more for fun than anything. I watched a documentary on netflix about dreams and there was a doctor that did a study where he found that over a long period of time, thematic elements in dreams really gave insight into peoples mental state about their lives. I'd like to keep track just to see if I'm heading in the right directions.

I feel like my list has some manageable challenges in it. Perhaps if I start to succeed at some of these goals I'll be able to get to sleep easier!

On a completely off tangent, I'm listening to a recording of Choral Cross-Ties singing Lauridsen's Madrigali. It's absolutely breath-taking. I hope I get to sing them with a choir of equal quality someday.