Future Home Buyers PSA

Next week we hope to close on our house. This sentence is such a simple thing. It sounds so clean and easy. Like no trouble at all. But it's a ton of trouble. So much trouble. Tedious small details that needed to be dealt with "RIGHT NOW" kinds of trouble.

I'm sure that not everyone goes through this roller coaster of ups and downs when buying their first home. I'm sure that normal people who feel that they are ready to go house shopping actually have a decent amount of savings and a good credit score. I'm sure they are able to shop for homes that they can actually live in. But not all of us are so lucky. We were told 2 months into our offer on our short sale that our credit score had fallen 3 points (THREE POINTS!) and that we couldn't secure financing. We had to scramble to find another lender because apparently 3 points is enough to completely mess with your lending terms.  

It took us two years, three real estate agents, four lenders, and two (almost three but that's a whole other story) offers to get to this point. In the last few weeks we almost thought we wouldn't even get here. Keeping up on your finances when you don't earn much money is probably one of the hardest things to learn as an adult. Last week we must have made and taken at least 50 phone calls, e-mails, and performed various other paperwork tasks trying to make this happen. We've been told we don't have enough money. We've been told our credit score is too low. But we're going to make it work anyway.

It's obnoxious and tiring, but the end result is all that matters. This time next week, I'll hold the keys to our new house. Even 6 months ago I had a hard time imagining that we would even be trying to pack up and figure out when we could move with such extremely busy schedules. As stressful as all this has been, pausing to think back on everything we've been through to get here still gives me hope and a sense of accomplishment.

Tying Up Loose Ends

This morning, Paul and I met up with our real estate agent and the inspector to get the house inspected. Fortunately it all checked out in pretty good condition and there isn't really much we have to do to it short of personal preferences. I was driving back to Lincoln to get some more work done and it hit me, once we buy this house, so many of the works in progress we've had over the last few years will finally be resolved.

We've been in a perpetual state of anticipation basically since we got married. I've been anticipating finding a teaching job, we've anticipated Charlotte's arrival, we anticipated buying this house. Lately we've been extremely busy with trying to get the last smidgeons of summer enjoyed (aka camping), visiting Paul's family, my prepping for the Met Audition, and now I feel like I'm never caught up on work for my new teaching jobs. I didn't realize until today that in addition to a voice lesson, a parent night, a coaching, a workshop, and my voice studio lessons, I had forgotten about the alumni reunion concert and rehearsal schedule. Oh yeah, and my birth center's bi-annual picnic is this Saturday (nicely fitted between rehearsals I must say).  These things have felt so far away for so long, it's just crazy how they've all managed to manifest at once. I'd be overwhelmed by it, but I don't have time.

I could probably complain about how hard my life is and how tired I am. But I have never been so happy and excited to be this busy. The hours I do spend with Charlotte feel like they matter more. I feel so much more patient with her and happier to play with her and give her the amount of attention that she wants. Charlotte now gets the benefit of having her days spent with dad in the mornings, grandma in the afternoon, and mom in the evening. It's not the stay-at-home mom situation I had pictured, but I kind of feel like it's almost better. She gets the best of all of us because her time with us is concentrated in a way. Dr. Laura can criticize all she wants. My working and self-betterment make me a better mom.

Now that so many chapters are coming to a close it seems like we should be able to just settle into our routines. We should, but I am really looking forward to the next chapter. Growing my choir programs, advancing in my singing career, watching Charlotte grow up, perhaps having more kids. Now without so many things looming everything else seems so much more doable! Anything is possible.

Curve Balls

Life in mom-land has been interesting lately. A week ago I interviewed for a part time job at Grant High School. I felt like my interview went well but I guess I just wasn't what they felt like they needed right now. I was pretty sad for a couple days but not all that surprised. I've gotten pretty accustomed to losing out on jobs - especially after Washougal.

With every job I've almost had, I've done quite a bit of preparation. I have so many self-made teaching materials and music collections that I'd have to narrow things down when I do finally get a job. However, this is for a high school choir program. So when I got a call yesterday with an offer to teach one period of middle school I was completely thrown for a loop. My knee-jerk reaction was to walk away. But then I thought about it and I decided that it would be worth it to be in district for job openings next year. Especially with the amount of shifting they seem to do with their choir programs every year. I'll practically be guaranteed a high school job in the next few years.

This is all so unexpected and I still haven't even really mentally grasped what this job will do to my life this year. What's more is that I've got another choir I'm starting at Wilson and I've got my voice studio. In other words, I'll have no problem staying busy!

This brings me to childcare. These jobs are still plenty part time. But keeping Charlotte supervised is going to be somewhat challenging. I think what's difficult about it is Paul's work schedule being so unpredictable. If he was actually on a consistent shift we could hire someone without too much confusion. But as it is, I feel a bit bewildered by the whole childcare thing. I suppose we'll work it out just like everyone else does.

Today we're meeting with yet another lender to get paperwork in on our home loan stuff. Our real estate agent e-mailed me yesterday to tell me that the banks are in the final stages of the process and we should have an answer from them in the next few weeks. It would certainly be nice to have a routine around all this new work in our own home.

Back in parenting land, Charlotte's been battling a runny nose going on a week now. I'm resisting the urge to take her to see her doctor since her next well baby visit is really soon and I'm hoping it will just go away on its own. It's kind of nice with my mom back to work because we can have a morning together. This morning we had breakfast and then organized her clothes. Basically I put away small things in storage put her laundry in her dresser while she pulled it all out and spread it around the living room floor. Right now she's trying to climb the tv stand so she can touch the sesame street characters. I'm pretty much going to let her.

September in a Nutshell

Wednesday night Paul got home from work and told me his mom wanted to talk to us at 8. She had us on a conference call with Paul's brother to tell us that she's met with a hospice care consultant and that she's decided to discontinue cancer treatments. This wasn't really much of a surprise. It also wasn't a surprise when she asked us to make the 400 mile trip north to visit them before she's gone.

Thursday I got an e-mail from our home loan lender that Paul's credit score had fallen two points below the required minimum for us to qualify for the loan. This is the loan we need for the house that we currently have an offer on and are waiting to hear an answer from. He told me it was because of my Sallie Mae loans. Sallie Mae for the win again. So I called them and figured out that I only needed to pay off one smaller loan in order for Paul's credit not to be tarnished by any more late payments - I tend to get overwhelmed by the payments and just don't make them because they stress me out.

So with our bank account close to $700 lighter we are hopefully on target to get his credit score up high enough to qualify before we actually need the loan. *fingers crossed*

Friday I did all our bills - which no matter what I do to streamline the process still always manage to take me hours - and then I took Charlotte up to Paul's brother's to make travel arrangements. As I was waiting for a call back from Enterprise (who gave us a great deal and were very accommodating) I got an e-mail from the HR department from Portland Public Schools. I assumed it was about my being removed from the sub list. Instead it was an urging from one of their staff members to apply for an open high school choir position.

So now I'm waiting to hear about whether I will be interviewing for the job (I assume they don't make many interview appointments on the weekend). This throws a whole new, but not unpleasant, wrench into an already hectic month of September.

I'm in a complete childcare conundrum. I'm going to need someone to watch Charlotte in the morning whether I get the job or not. I can't help but wonder how much work I can do and still be considered an at-home mom. This job would definitely make me feel less guilty just based on the fact that I've wanted it so badly for so long!

The rest of this year is already starting to look like a cyclone of busy. From now until mid-October we have school starting, this potential job starting, setting up my studio, camping, driving 16 hours to visit ailing family with a toddler, the met audition and all of the prep I need to do for it, and the looming possibility of finally buying our house and moving. This seems like a lot to fit into one month!

High Chair Happiness!

Last night Paul and I drove back from Seaside with Charlotte leaving my parents, sister and grandpa to enjoy a day baby free. It was rather nice getting to spend time with my husband alone, even if it was only a few hours (he had to get up early this morning for work). Before we left for the beach, Caitlin accompanied me to Babies'R'Us before my voice lesson to purchase a high chair. I spent this morning cooking up scrambled eggs and hash browns and feeding my baby who is still thrilled with the novelty of her high chair. 

The high chair is something we have put off for quite awhile...obviously about a year. I tend to be rather picky - which I've stated before - about baby products. I don't like things with patterns and too many noises, lights, and gadgets. I like simple things and I like them to be functional. The problem is that functional simple things tend to be twice as expensive as plastic things covered in animal and flower prints. Another difficulty is that things tend to be extremely gender specific, especially when it comes to girls stuff. I've gone out of my way to keep things fairly gender neutral in case we have a boy the next time around. I would feel bad putting my little man in a pink high chair.

I hadn't really shopped much for a chair when I saw this chair on display at Babies R Us. I had assumed we'd probably just get a chair from Ikea. But I saw this and I was sold - especially when the 20% off coupon worked for it! 

The pads are neutral colors, it's very easy to clean, the tray is huge and removable for cleaning. I also like the piece that blocks the crotch so food stays in her lap and the dog can't get it (she likes to feed the dog). The whole thing collapses flat and is on wheels making it easy to move it out of the way when it's not being used. The height is adjustable so that it can be used as a chair at the table, and the seat reclines which might be nice for an infant later. For a baby that likes to climb and stand in high chairs, I really liked the comfortable harness in it as well. So far she hasn't Houdini'd her way out yet, and even better she hasn't thrown a fit because she's contained.

Chicco Polly Magic High Chair

It's probably on the fancier side of plastic high chairs, but I figure it'll get plenty of use. I was interested in the stokke chair, but it's about $100 more, and even though it can be used by any sized person baby to adult, I kind of wanted something that would contain my busy baby better and the stokke chair design doesn't really fit with my other chairs all that well.  

I've only had this chair about 3 days now, so I can't really attest to its long term usability, but I'm happy so far. I felt extra mom-tastic this morning cooking up breakfast and feeding my baby in it. I imagine this must be how most normal people feed their toddler. No wonder people have high chairs earlier!

Pre Potty Training

I'm always finding myself in this limbo state with parenting where I feel like I'm either completely incompetent or a total over-achiever. I remember this one time I got a job at a call center and had to go through some rounds of testing so they could keep records of my skill levels. I took a typing test where I had recorded my score and then improved upon it. I told the lady administering the tests that I had improved on my score and I wasn't sure if they'd want to record it. She told me I didn't need to be a showboat. This has always bothered me. 

On one hand, yeah, perhaps I should learn better not to get cocky. On the other hand, this was a rather remedial job and I thought at the time that perhaps I should put myself out there in case there was some chance that they'd want to put me in a job that was more suitable to my skill level. I ended up quitting after two weeks! 

This is the sort of tension I feel with parenting. I'm exceedingly proud of Charlotte and how engaging and intelligent she is. I'm happy to get compliments and I love that people enjoy her. But I feel like I'm always trying to downplay what I like about her to keep from being obnoxious. And then there are times when she's returned to me by strangers because she's wandered off without my noticing. 

Lately I've been contemplating potty training and I keep going back and forth with whether I should even be thinking about it or not. Charlotte is only 13 months old. I am well aware that she is not ready. However she is rather smart, and the reality is that she's very far developed for a 13-month-old. From what I've gathered so far, these are the skills that will make potty training successful:

1. the ability to signal when she needs to use the toilet - verbally or with a sign
2. the ability to understand what I mean when I ask if she has to go
3. the ability to recognize when she's being rewarded
4. the ability to do the motor functions - pulling her pants up and down, ripping off toilet paper, holding her hands under the water faucet

Right now she can just barely do the first thing, and we're still working on her knowing what "poop poop" actually is rather than mimicking it when I say it.  I keep having this sneaking suspicion that there are things I could be doing now with her though. 

What I've found with many of the articles and blogs I've read is that potty training is a nuisance for parents and a traumatic experience for the kid. Everything starts out with "are you ready?" as in, "brace yourself, this is going to seriously suck." My gut has been telling me that it doesn't have to be that way. I'm actually rather eager to get started.

A few days ago I read this blog and so many of the things I was doing intuitively were put into words! It suggests associating a word or phrase with bowel movements (we have already been saying "poop poop"), letting your baby watch you use the bathroom (she follows me into the bathroom whether I want her to or not), having a potty or potty seat around before you start to use it, having your baby sit in the potty or potty seat when they go if you happen to catch them, and having your baby go diaper free. It also gives a great explanation for why to do these five things and how they will help later on. 

We still have a few months yet before we're ready to start hard core potty training. But I think it can be a far more casual and gradual experience than what so many "experts" would lead you to believe. And perhaps I'm being overzealous, and sure it would be cool to say that my child was out of diapers before 2 years old, but I'm not trying to win any awards here. I'm just really looking forward to when I don't have to change diapers anymore!

13 Months Going on 2 Years

For the last week we've been battling a case of rosalea with Charlotte. At first we had no clue what was going on with her. She had a high fever for about 3 days and wouldn't eat hardly anything. When a rash broke out the fifth day we were sure she had chicken pox and I made an appointment to take her to the pediatrician. The doctor told me she had rosalia, which I guess isn't uncommon.
Yesterday her rash started to clear up some, but boy was she cranky and today she's feeling much better I think.

Now we have a whole new set of issues to contend with. Our little 1-year-old is going through her terrible twos already. She gets really angry and screams when she can't do something easily, she hits when we take something away from her or tell her no. And she's always testing us! Last night at Caitlin and Colin's she looked Caitlin in the eye as she slowly reached for her candle sticks as Caitlin told her not to.

So far we've been trying to put her in time out in her crib when she's having her tantrums, but it doesn't seem to be making the impression that it should. I'm going to have to do some research and find some resources for parenting approaches. This is not a kid that is going to take no for an answer, and I don't want to beat her or break her inquisitive spirit. I have my work cut out for me.

In Car Sprinkler

Today was a day for sprinklers. After a nice lunch with Caitlin, Charlotte and I made our way to the play area at the mall. This is turning into a favorite for her. The big kids love following her around and she loves the attention. She also loves to escape out the opening and down the mall. It's always fun being the mom chasing her toddler in public.

At any rate, Charlotte ran around quite a bit and came over to me saying "juice" and I realized I didn't bring any fresh juice. I felt bad for not having anything for her. After she started making a beeline for the entrance every time I retrieved her I knew she was ready to go. When I got to the car I searched the clutter to see what I could give her since she was thirsty. I managed to find my empty camelback water bottle and a bottle of perrier from Kaiti and Clem's wedding last weekend. I put the perrier in the camelback and gave it to her before I got in the driver seat to drive home.

I have one of those mirrors in the back so I can see Charlotte in her seat and she was having a jolly time trying to figure out how to drink from the camelback. I was surprised to see that she was actually getting some of the perrier out of the sip top. Next thing I know I'm driving along on Sunnyside Road and I get sprayed with water! Apparently the fizzy water was building up pressure and whenever she'd pinch the mouthpiece it would shoot out. Thus the in-car sprinkler.

When we got home she napped awhile and then after coating herself in strawberry juice I decided to strip her naked and take her out to her heated kiddie pool (I filled it yesterday and it spent the day in the sun) She was thrilled to have bath temp water in her pool. I thought it was too warm so I pulled the sprinkler over so she could cool off a bit. Unfortunately Charlotte seems to hate the sprinkler. I had to retrieve her from the other end of the yard several times (kind of like the mall...). I must admit though, naked wet baby covered in grass squealing in delight as mommy chases her around the yard is pretty amusing!

Wonderful Woeful Ones

Whoever coined the phrase "terrible twos" probably had a child like mine at two. I imagine when Charlotte gets to be two, unless I can somehow figure out the key to keeping her happy, one is probably going to seem like a cake walk. However, I've decided that one comes with its own set of challenges.

I took Charlotte to her 12-month pediatrician appointment yesterday. Her doctor said she was plenty healthy and was really happy with her recent growth spurt. Her development is months ahead as are her teeth. She's getting in her molars. Molars paired with two booster vaccines seems to have created a monster. We spent the entire evening with Jekyll and Hyde. One minute we had a very sweet fun-loving little girl that wants to play with toys or read books, the next we have a meltdown of fake crying and pouting.

One of my major issues right now is food. We've pretty much completely weened mostly just because I think we've both had enough breastfeeding. So now she gets cows milk and a host of solids. I wanted to be one of those moms who does lots of research and carefully introduces foods into her diet. I wanted to make her baby food and freeze it. I wanted her to eat only organic produce and dairy. But I live in the real world. In this real world my baby is obsessed with berries, bananas, and crackers - so much so that she will not eat anything else.

I expected there to be a round of picky eating, but I didn't expect it to be this early. I spent the better part of an hour trying to force feed my baby avocados after she had seen strawberries that she would have happily eaten instead. She used to scarf down avocados! I was so proud! What happened?!

Another advanced skill that my dear child has started learning is "no". You yell at her "no" she yells right back with the same intensity and inflection. She thinks this is quite funny actually. When I take something away from her that she's grabbed, she gives me a defiant looks and grabs at it even harder.

Dr. Sears books talk about babies and how they need their mommies. He talks about how babies don't have the capacity to manipulate, they just want what they need. My baby isn't a baby anymore. This baby manipulates. This baby is willful and stubborn. This baby is just like her mother! The fussy baby book gave me so much hope and direction with my "high-needs child". But now that I have a high-personality toddler I feel like I need a new instruction manual.

We've tried time-outs for things like playing in the dogs water dish and hitting. The problem is that she waits until you get up and walk toward her after you've warned her to start running away. She doesn't stop with the warning. I know she knows she's in trouble, the problem is that she doesn't care!

I have to admit having a toddler with so much energy does have it's pros. Charlotte never goes unnoticed and she's always happy to flirt and entertain. It's fun watching her play with bigger kids at the playground and I like that I can be pretty rough with her and not hurt her. She's a tough little thing and she melts my heart at the same time. It's just those times when she's shaking my entire laptop desk to get a rise out of me because I wouldn't give her strawberries that I have to wonder if the terrible twos perhaps arrived a year early.

Epic Mom Update

I don't know how I manage to get myself so busy. I feel like I have to compartmentalize and yet even in doing that everything just bleeds together. Charlotte's first birthday is in two weeks. I feel the need to take this opportunity to gain some perspective. A year ago, I was in a very crowded one bedroom apartment, it was probably hot like it's been lately, and I was huge and extremely uncomfortable. I guess not much has changed other than instead of being in a cramped one bedroom apartment, I'm not in a cramped 3 bedroom house. 

Every night I nurse my baby when she wakes up and every night I imagine what it will be like to nurse her in her own bedroom rather than on the living room couch with fleas jumping on my ankles. Lately we've been really trying to get some money paid on our debt so we have fewer bills after we buy our house. The problem as that paying down debt makes me feel so stagnant. Our savings hasn't grown in two months. And the bigger problem is that no matter how many credit cards we pay off, it pales in the face of my student loans. Sallie Mae is now my leeching sibling who requires mass amounts of money every month and calls me several times a day when I cut her off. Bitch.

Charlotte is developing like a boss. I have such a hard time knowing how to react to her interactions with other people. Most everyone loves her and when she walks up to strangers and waves I feel all proud of her for being so cute. But every once in awhile she fails to charm and then I feel bad that I let her pester them. I feel guilty when she's around other babies that are twice her size and far less engaging. I can't help but love that my baby tends to be the center of attention being the extrovert that I am. There, I admitted it. Now you will all see through my attempt at modesty. 

With Charlotte's birthday coming up I've been a bit more over-the-top with the planning than I probably should be. I can't help myself, I've never thrown a first birthday party and it's really fun and exciting, especially when it's rainbow themed! So far, I've made a cake to work out any kinks I might encounter. Typically when I attempt something that seems so complex it turns out kind of messy. The cake turned out great though and I think with a few tweaks it will be really tasty. I also couldn't resist sewing a rainbow dress for her. I was just going to put her in her clothes that happened to be rainbow colored, but I was at the fabric store and I got this great idea and...that's kind of how I end up being so busy all the time. Anyway, I'm using fabric quilt quarters to make a sort of handkerchief dress. Considering how much work her quilt was, this isn't so bad. 

Mommying is getting to be more manageable and enjoyable now that I'm finally getting sleep. We finally seem to have a schedule down that affords me about 5-6 hours of solid sleep. It helps that Charlottes getting better at expressing what she wants and her digestive issues are getting far better. She rarely spits up anymore, I only nurse her once at night, she eats mostly things that I can find when we're out and about so it's not too hard to feed her and keep her happy. I'm going to try out the ergo carrier to see if I can't fix her requiring so much attention whenever I'm in the kitchen. I'd say the biggest obstacles we have left are that she likes to get into the dogs dishes and dump all the water all over the floor, and that she likes to pull everything off the end tables and laptop desks...which means glasses of water, bowls of food, and generally things that make messes or could cause bodily harm. Other than that, I'm finally starting to love being the mom. It's kind of nice to have reached this zen!

Back to Normal?

I realize now I haven't posted in a very long time. The truth is that I've been really busy. Like, crazy busy. I can break down my major time consumers (besides being mom) into a pretty simple list:

1. teaching at Wilson
2. teaching at Putnam
3. class reunion planning
4. wedding planning
5. singing

Putnam is my newest venture and has been the most consuming of my time and energy lately. This wouldn't be much of an issue normally but it's thrown an childcare kink into the mix. At Wilson I teach after school and I have wonderful girls that watch Charlotte so I can take her with me. I'm sure there would be wonderful girls to watch her at Putnam but I teach there during the day. This means Charlotte has to be home. Which means that so does someone else. The cheapest option is Paul. If he's on swing or graveyard shift it isn't too difficult for him to watch her until I get home. They days I go to Wilson get long though.

On Wilson days, I get to Putnam at 8:30am, leave round 11:30 to go home, eat lunch, pack up and then go to Wilson from 2 until between 5:30 and 7 depending on the day. This is quite a bit of car time for baby. Throw into this mix that we've started down the path of weening and that Charlotte is fully bi-pedal and we have a pretty cranky kid.

The good news is that it's actually better than I expected. Walking is a blessing in disguise. She's finally able to wear herself out. Her napping has been better (the days we actually do manage to get a routine) and her sleep at night is starting to get better (we usually get up with her 3 times a night instead of 5+). She's eating better and we're not in the midst of any illness or teething. It's quite pleasant really. With her able to drink juice and eat more solids I've been trying to cut the nursing down to before bed and first thing in the morning. This doesn't always fly with her, and with my being so much busier than usual she's been extra clingy. Like, screams at the top of her lungs when I leave the room clingy. But I do nurse her far less than I did before. I finally feel like I'm starting to get my body and my life back. I just hope that we can all keep up!

Sick Baby

Of all the things I've had to deal with, this is probably the hardest. I'm on the verge of packing a bag and moving to Europe. Okay maybe I won't do something that drastic.

Thursday night Charlotte started showing cold symptoms that I just chalked up to teething. After a rough night that included an overly soaked diaper, Friday and Saturday have been a roller coaster of coughing, severe diaper rash, an eternally runny nose, resistance to sleep, and drooling that would rival the big bad wolf. All this coupled with helping my brother-in-law move in the midst of an emotionally wrenching divorce, hearing about a friend who was shot in his car, and reeling from financial strain has made life almost unlivable.

So it's no surprise that Charlotte's cold is turning into our cold. Currently she is pulling tissues one at a time out of the tissue box and throwing them off the couch. Normally I would stop her, but this is preventing her from screaming in my ear or thrashing at my boobs or hitting me in the face or scratching me...so we're just going to have a big tissue mess.

I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Whatever it is that she has, I hope they can make it go away. It was hard before. This is just damn impossible.

Sleeping Solutions

It seems like no matter how late it is I need to read to get myself to sleep. I'm not sure when this started, but it seems to be pretty ingrained. Last night I went to bed and realized I'd finished my book, so I pulled out The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears. I'm a fan of Dr. Sears approach to parenting and feel like I have a pretty good idea about his methods from the other books I've read of his, but this had better insight into the whole co-sleeping thing.

Somewhere along the way I decided that co-sleeping was over. It was getting more difficult to keep Charlotte asleep at night with me so close by because she wanted to keep nursing. To make matters more difficult she'd wake up whenever the hall light would shine under our bedroom door. So we decided to set up her crib hoping that if she wasn't so close to me she'd sleep better. We moved her a couple months ago and it has yet to be better. If anything it's worse.

I was so baffled by this thinking that a baby this old should easily be able to sleep in a crib on her own. I would have continued to try to keep her in her crib if I hadn't read the chapter on co-sleeping last night. I was reminded that if something isn't working you should change it. I'm willing to admit now that sleeping in the crib isn't working. I was resistant to having her back in our bed because I wake up every hour to feed her. When I really think about it, she wakes up every hour or two in her crib anyway. At least if she's in bed with me I don't have to get up and she goes back to sleep without any trouble.

Sleeping methods work different for every family but I think we should probably go back to this one. There are lots of different opinions on sharing your bed. For me, I do it to maintain my sanity! There are also ideas floating out there that it helps baby feel more secure early on and thus more secure and trusting of their parents as they get older. I'm not sure how much of this is really measurable, but it sounds good to me anyway.

Perhaps the crib will work out later on, and I'm starting to think that perhaps we moved her too soon. It should have been pretty obvious to me when she'd scream in her crib and immediately stop and nuzzle into my neck the second I picked her back up again. So I'm going to listen to what my baby wants because she is still my baby after all and it won't be long before she doesn't want to sleep with me let alone nuzzle!

Sleepocolypse 2012

A few nights ago Charlotte slept for 6 uninterrupted hours. We both woke up and thought for sure that my mom or someone had fed her and put her back to sleep, but she had slept the whole time. I thought this might be a turning point. Perhaps we had finally reached a happy place where we could all finally sleep! She is almost 9 months old after all, this should have been the case awhile ago.

Sadly the next night she was up all night with a fever. I took her to her pediatrician who told us she had a sore throat and we just had to wait it out. We managed to survive the nights by taking sleep shifts with her. She wouldn't sleep unless she was being held.

Yesterday her fever had broken and she seemed to be much happier. I figured that since she was feeling better she could sleep in her crib - I don't want her getting into the habit of thinking she needs to be held the entire time she sleeps. I managed to get her down around 10:30 and got her in her crib at 11. Surely this was success! We went to bed and sure enough, she woke up around 1. I went out to nurse her right away thinking it would calm her back to sleep and I could put her in her crib. Not so. She would relax and doze the second I picked her up, but the second I even started to put her down she'd start screaming. And this isn't just your run of the mill grunting snorting protest, this is full on ear-piercing shrieking like I'm stabbing her in the leg with a knife screaming.

After about 30 minutes of picking her up to calm her down and then putting her back down again, I finally couldn't take it anymore. When someone screams in my face, no matter who they are, it starts to fray my nerves. I decided to let her scream it out. Surely then she'd wear herself out and sleep on her own. The problem is that this kid doesn't give up. After about 40 minutes of shrieking at the top of her lungs I tried sleeping with her. Eventually Paul had to go deal with her because I'm apparently a milk cow and this is very distracting when you're a baby trying to sleep.

Charlottes well baby visit is in about two weeks. Hopefully I can discuss her issues then. I wish that nights like we had last night were just because she's been sick, but my going to bed well after 2am after hours of struggling to get her to sleep is pretty normal. Its especially frustrating when I hear other moms say that their babies sleep not just through the night, but for 10 or 11 hours! What is wrong with my child that I can't get her to do this?!

I was warned when I was pregnant that I would lose sleep. I just had no idea it would be this ridiculous.

Double Life

Today was a very busy day and it's starting to feel like more of my days are getting to be compartmentalized and tightly scheduled. I started with Zumba, headed to the new mom's group at Andaluz, met my mom and her friend Camilla at Starbucks, came home, napped, and then drove out to Lewis and Clark for a 3 hour rehearsal.

I like keeping busy and I think the exercise is really giving me the energy I need to handle it. I just wish my sleep was keeping up with it too (blogging late at night probably isn't helping). The rest of my week is really just as busy. I added another day to my teaching schedule since I have new students now, I have two more rehearsals and a concert Saturday, and I'm sure I'm going to try to squeeze some more time in at the gym. I think when spring break hits, I'm going to try to keep my schedule empty and enjoy my time at home!

With all this busy I think I've found my threshold in terms of how much I want to be separated from my baby. I found myself missing her as I was driving out to rehearsal tonight and was happy to see her again when I got home. What I found to be even more strange was some of the weird feelings I had at rehearsal.

This concert is one where I get to sing with many friends and colleagues that I have sung with over the last several years. It was really nice to see their faces and I haven't seen many of them since before I got pregnant. I felt like I'd been on this really long journey and had returned back to my hometown full of people that had been there the whole time I was gone. It felt good to jump back in to the choral world and even better to be able to tread water on such a mentally engaging piece. Returning home to a baby that wanted to be nursed in a dark house full of people made me feel even more like I'm living a life in two different worlds. I think I like it though. I get to feel like I have the best secret!

8 Months and Getting Better

I haven't updated much because it seems like things with baby are starting to find their flow. I'm not quite as exhausted and drained as I've been for months, I feel less resentment towards being a mother, and I feel like things are going to work out in general.

Charlotte is 8 months now and has reached tons of developmental milestones. She has 6 teeth, she's crawling rather quickly, and she's very talkative and responsive. She also likes to smile and wave to people. She claps and "sings". She's a little person with opinions and interests. It's starting to finally feel like all those months of exhaustion were worth getting to this much more fun point.

The only thing that she seems to have missed in the whole developing thing is sleeping. Supposedly, she should have been able to sleep through the night for around 2 months now. That has yet to happen. At the very least Paul has switched to swing shift and is able to help me with her through the night which allows me to sleep more than 3 hours at at time. I just wish neither of us had to wake up at all because even though he gets up to deal with her, I'm still waking up every couple minutes to listen for signs that I need to take over. I've been trying to feed her more solids during the day to help keep her from waking up hungry. I think at this point it's more of a waking up lonely issue and nursing is really the only way to get her to go right back to sleep. Otherwise she really wakes up and stays up and is rather grumpy about it. Naps have kind of taken a hit lately too. She just doesn't sleep much during the day lately.

Her babysitters tell me that she doesn't nap with them anymore either, but she doesn't fuss as much and is getting to be more fun to play with. One of my students qualified for the state vocal competition this weekend. With Charlotte's being more at ease without me there all the time and with this boost to my teaching track record, I'm hoping that I can work on expanding my voice studio a bit.

This next weekend we're going to start looking at houses again. It's been about a year since the last time we looked at something. I'm a bit apprehensive about getting my hopes up because we don't have our whole downpayment saved yet, but I also feel like I want to find a house to picture us living in so that saving is a more present priority in my head. You're less likely to have what you don't dream about right?

With that, I must head to bed. Paul's rocking Toot to sleep so maybe we'll get to sleep before midnight! Wish us luck!

Being Reminded

A couple nights ago I was feeling really tired and frustrated mostly with dealing with teething and the restless nights and with how frustrated I am with my weight loss. I cancelled my weight watchers and for some reason this just got things stirring. I wanted to find some sort of support because I feel like the only mom I know who hasn't had any luck at all with losing the baby weight. I need someone to tell me to quit whining and get my ass in the gym. I suppose my doctor did a fair job of trying at least.

Anyway, in my moment of angst I remembered how I had joined a weight watchers group on the baby center community. I've never posted in it and I don't really read any posts in it either. Honestly, I kind of feel like I don't fit in with weight watchers people. So I went looking for another group.

I found a weight loss group for moms who had their babies last June. I figured I would get some sympathy there but my angsty post about how I'm so frustrated with my lack of weight loss didn't get any responses.

When I was pregnant I spent a pretty fair amount of time posting and responding to questions in my various groups. It was a great place to network with moms that were of a similar mindset when it came to birthing and pregnancy. After I had Charlotte and posted my birth story on my natural birth group, I sort of lost my zeal for it and haven't really read or posted anything in months. In my pathetic attempt to get someone to feel sorry for me I started to read some stuff from some of my old group pages.

There was one post in particular that I think sparked something. A lady in the crunchy mom's group invited us all to make a list of the things we do that are crunchy. It was essentially a way for us to be positive about the things we do rather than the things we don't do. Now, this crunchy mom group can be intense and even when I was active on babycenter, I didn't read posts from it all that often. There's only so much guilt I can muster for not churning my own butter, or going for days without shampooing my hair (I often wonder how that really works)...you get the idea. So when I started reading peoples lists I really expected to feel inadequate.

Surprisingly I didn't feel that way. Instead, as I read through list after list, I started to feel really proud of myself. I live with people that really don't get why I care about these kinds of things most of the time, and in spite of that, I still manage to do quite a bit for myself and my baby. I was reminded of all the reasons I wanted a natural birth, of why I encapsulated my placenta, and drink mothers milk tea, of all the reasons I use homeopathic and herbal medicines before I go hunting for the mucinex or the tylenol, of why I breastfeed and cloth diaper, and co-sleep and baby wear. I added my own list and the more I thought of, the better I felt about all of the decisions I've made as a mother.

Since then it seems like being a mom has taken on a new light. I don't feel like I've lost some sort of sleep war when I keep Charlotte in bed with me. I don't mind dropping what I'm doing to play with her or feed her. Its amazing to me how much happier I feel when I'm not resisting my role as my baby's mother so much. I guess I just needed to be reminded that being my baby's mom is something to be proud of.

State of the Family Address

I was thinking about what I typically post in my blog and the majority of it lately has been about not sleeping. While this is a very worthy topic for a new mother, I feel that there are other things I should report about. Especially because this blog is something that my baby can go back and read when she's a mother...given that she even wants to. Maybe I'm kidding myself. At any rate, I can read these old posts when I'm feeling nostalgic about my grown children.

So my first topic is sleeping. Okay maybe I lied. After multiple visits to Ikea, we managed to get Charlotte's crib assembled in the Living Room. She's been sleeping in it the last 3 nights or so.

This would be fine except that the monitor broke and I had to send it to the manufacturer to be replaced so I have to sleep with my door open. This has me waking up more frequently because I "think" I hear something. I thought perhaps she would sleep for longer periods of time at least. I was wrong. So now instead of getting up four or five times a night and walking across my room, I have to walk across the house and sit up with her until she finishes eating before I can go back to sleep. I'd try to let her fuss a bit first to see if she'll go back to sleep on her own, but then she wakes everyone up and my mom gets up with her and I feel bad when she has to get up at 4 to go to work in the morning.

This is another issue. The living room isn't exactly a quiet secluded place in the house. So starting at 4am and going until about 8am, there are people up and around the house getting ready to go their various directions. It really doesn't matter how quiet they are since Charlotte is a light sleeper and its not really fair to ask them not to grind coffee or watch the morning news.

Another obstacle is that everyone's been fighting colds in my house lately, myself included. I've been trying to kick cold ass with a continuous supply of umcka, emergen-c, and sinusalia. They seem to be working, I felt much better today. But back to sleeping. Charlotte has a bit of a cold, but she doesn't seem too sick, she just has a faucet of a runny nose. She won't sleep without the binkie, but she can't breathe through her nose, so she's super tired when I put her down, but keeps waking up because she can't breathe. To remedy this I use the snot sucker which makes her hysterical. She practically heaves she's crying so hard, but then she goes right to sleep once her nose is cleared up. I kind of wonder if she wouldn't sleep longer in her crib at night if she wasn't sick. I suppose we shall have to see.

It's nice to have it for daytime naps at least. Before I was basically having to hold her if I wanted her to nap. I couldn't put her in her regular bed because Paul sleeps in our room during the day and she wakes him up - kind of like how she wakes me up all night. So at least I can put her down for a nap now. Lord knows I need it!

Okay, now on to other things! 7 months has brought all sorts of milestones. Charlotte started crawling a bit around 5 1/2 months but she's got it all figured out now. She's got it figured out enough that she follows me or comes to find me if I leave the room. Before I could leave her in the family room and find her sitting in a pile of computer cords. Now if I leave the room too long it starts to be a scavenger hunt to find her and what she's gotten in to. She tends to like little bits of paper and dog food.

For about a month and a half she's been standing with something to grab on to. This is pretty easy for her now and she's been trying more and more to stand on her own. I'm really hoping she'll hold off on the walking stuff for now. Crawling is enough of a challenge to keep up with!

Since she's gotten crawling and pulling herself up to standing down pretty well now, of course she finds her way to me when she's hungry. My baby is a fraud! She'll pull herself up and stand at my legs looking up at me and chattering away like she wants to give me kisses and cuddle. But as soon as I pick her up it turns into a frantic search for Milkbags McGee. She cons me every time.

Speaking of Milkbags McGee, I'm starting to feel kind of over breastfeeding. I've never felt like I produce enough milk to keep her satisfied, I don't enjoy sitting with her and feeding her and I can't pump anything. It feels like I have to try so hard to just to do something I dread. But it's awfully cheap and awfully convenient. Theres the rub. She still wants to all the time though so I'll keep doing it as long as she wants to. I feel kind of guilty that I've never enjoyed it. I've really tried to though. I try to think about how I'll miss the quiet time with my baby who needs me. And then she bites my nipple and I'm pretty much over it again.

This Saturday will be our third swimming class with her. Honestly I could probably do without the "class" but since we paid for it we make it a priority to go, and that's what matters. Most of the babies tend to have a "what the hell is going on here?!" expression on their faces during the class. It's rather amusing actually. Charlotte seems to be comfortable kicking in the water and getting her face wet, but she hasn't started really having fun with it yet. Part of the problem is that she's so skinny and the pool is kind of cold. We had to pull her out before the class was over last week because her lips were turning blue and she was shivering really hard. I ordered her a baby wet suit that we should be able to try out this week. Hopefully being less cold will make the class more fun for her.

We have multiple things to look forward to on the horizon. Friday is my NATS competition (National Association of Teachers of Singing). Hopefully I will be well enough to sing! As soon as we get our W2's in the mail we can file taxes and start our downpayment fund which means we can start to look for houses. My hope is that we are moved by May. Our goals after we find a house are to find Paul another job that pays enough for us to make our house payment and doesn't make him work 50+ hours a week on the graveyard shift. Ideally this job will allow him to continue his nursing degree track and will afford me some time to have a part-time job during the summer. In this magical happy land I'll find a part time job teaching voice lessons at a community college and Paul's classes will be at a discount!

I want to finish my post with the thing that makes it all worth it. I really love it when Charlotte's tired and I pick her up and she rests her head on my shoulder and stares off into space. I love stroking her hair and feeling her dead weight. That's what keeps me going!

Sacred Sleep

Having a baby means relinquishing control over elements of your life that you never thought you'd let someone else dictate. Most of these elements aren't so bad. I take my baby to work with me, I eat when I get a chance, I take her to various meetings, lunch dates, shopping trips etc... I can maintain most of my life with some adjustments. But sleep is a whole other thing.

My baby won't go to sleep at night. I spent two hours trying to put her down. I tried holding her, swaddling, feeding, covering her in a heated blanket, singing, shushing, following her sleep cues, changing her position in the crib, massage, teething medicine, warm water. But after two hours of trying to make sleep a non-negative event I just let her scream herself to sleep. An hour and a half later, she was up again. Then again at 4:30. And she doesn't just lie there anymore. Oh no, she pulls herself up to standing and watches me from her crib. She watches me, and she yell cries at me!

I make a lot of changes at the whim of my baby. But now I'm being taunted by a 7 month old! It's as though she's standing in her crib saying, "MOM!!! YOU DON"T GET TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS I SAY SO!!!"

Sure, people warn you that you'll not get any sleep after you have a baby. I even had a couple months where she slept 6 hours uninterrupted. It was a lie! A bait and switch!
I was warned I'd lose sleep after my baby was born. No one said you're baby would mock you! I'm exhausted, she's exhausted, my whole family that has to hear her all night is exhausted. Where's the off button? WHERE IS IT?!!!

This baby seems cute and innocent right?
WRONG. The truth is he's trying
to BREAK YOU

Good News!

Today has been a good day. I had a rehearsal with my accompanist for NATS that went very well, followed by a visit to my mortgage agent. After she left our first bank I didn't have any of her contact info but luckily she called me and I gave her my info so I could have her be our agent again. She's really awesome if you're looking for a good lender, I'm happy to pass on her information.

For the last several months we've been attempting to pay down debt in order to qualify for a home loan and the Oregon Grant. The Oregon Grant is a down payment assistance program that covers a 3% down payment. The problem we were having is that the criteria for the loan that works with the program is a bit more particular. So we were paying down specific credit cards and trying to get Paul's credit score up. The loan officer that had been assigned to us after our first officer left seemed less than enthusiastic about getting us qualified. I had to ask him several times to rerun our credit to see if any improvements had shown up yet. So when she called me I was thrilled to have her back!

Today I finally got to meet up with her and have her run our numbers. The great thing about Jenny is that if she hits a wall with one program she'll keep looking for other options. The Oregon Grant is out of funds right now so that was a dead end, but we do qualify for an FHA loan. The challenge with this is that we'd need a down payment, but we aren't left at the mercy of Oregon Grant funds. What's awesome is that not only do we qualify for the FHA loan, we qualify for about $50k more than what we were approved for a year ago. Thank you lower interest rates! This higher limit also is still within our monthly budget.

So now we're on a mission to get a down payment saved and to find a house!

Seasoned Travelers

Yesterday Paul, Charlotte and I got home from our 5 day trip to visit Paul's parents up in Northport Washington. If you've never heard of it, you're normal. It's literally a 3 block strip of buildings on a highway you probably wouldn't be on unless you're going to Northport or a town you've also never heard of in Canada.

The time leading up to our trip ended up being far more eventful than I had expected. My Oma died Saturday night which led to a week of making arrangements for her funeral. I wasn't too involved in all of this other than having to learn some hymns to sing for it, but it still felt like I had lots to do. Still, I managed to get all three of us packed so we could catch our flight the next morning.

I learned quite a bit in traveling with our baby. First, Southwest has a customer for life. They were very accommodating and even made a copy of Charlotte's boarding pass for her baby book. They also let us take her carseat on the plane both ways (something you usually have to pay for) for no extra charge.

Having the space to ourselves in the loft was extremely nice. Right now our living situation is one where we have no option but to have Charlotte sleep in the same room with us. This makes sleep training virtually impossible. After one night of fussing, Charlotte slept nearly the entire night in her own room the rest of the time we were there. She also napped longer during the day. It was delightful. It was also blissful to have Paul around to take on some of the parenting duties. He changed her and put her down for her naps most of the time during the day.

I took two things away from this.

First, we need a home of our own asap. Charlotte's new favorite activity is to pull herself up and stand on her own. We don't have a crib that fits in our tiny bedroom and is deep enough to keep her from toppling over the railing. She also doesn't sleep as long knowing mom is a few feet away. It was so nice having a space of our own and having her things in her room. I miss it even now as I sit in my bed trying to keep my computer out of her reach as I type. Her reach that shouldn't even be an issue because she should be asleep in her crib in her own room right now rather than wriggling all over my bed at 11pm.

Second, Paul needs another job. I'm grateful that he has a job that provides him with a minimum of 40 work hours, decent pay, good benefits and vacation time. I am not grateful for the mandatory overtime that takes away his weekends and nearly any time he could spend with Charlotte during the week, the graveyard shift that has me dealing with Charlotte alone at night and has him sleeping during they day leaving him barely functional when he is awake, and his never being able to take his vacation time when he wants it. Having him present and awake was a reminder of the kind of dad he could be if he was able to be home after a solid night's sleep and of how much easier parenting is when you don't have to do it by yourself all of the time.

Okay, so perhaps I already knew that I wanted our own house and for Paul to have a day job that didn't require him to work 50+hour work weeks, but getting a glimpse of what that might be like made me want it more. Perhaps having a taste of what we're working for will be what we need to get things moving!

New Years Resolutions

I went to bed with Charlotte around 8:30 this evening. Unfortunately after playing with her, reading with her (she read her book and I read mine), feeding her and getting her to sleep I could not convince my brain to shut down. I attribute this to two things.

First, I've started reading Thom Hartmann's book "Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight." It's about our use of fossil fuels and their impact on our species and our planet etc... basically some deep shit! I feel like its my responsibility to at least try to keep up with current events and to at least do something about what I think is wrong in the world. This is something I think is wrong in the world. Very wrong. I couldn't stop thinking about the impact of what I'd just read.

Second I wrote down my to-do list for tomorrow - it's rather long since I've been putting several chores off over the holiday and especially because we'll be flying to visit Paul's parents week after next. I have some work to do! I also decided to write down my New Years Resolutions.

In the past I've avoided New Years Resolutions usually because there's a stigma (at least to me) that they're meant to fail and that they're always about the same things - losing weight and being a better person. You are who you are, how you live isn't going to change because the planet has made it's loop in the solar system. In spite of all this I wrote some anyway. I'm going to justify it this year because I've already been working on them, and I made them the sorts of goals that I'll meet at different points throughout the year.

Here's my list:

1. Spend more face time with important people in my life.
2. Have an "unplugged" day once a week.
3. Walk 20 minutes EVERY DAY.
4. Start Dragon Boating again.
5. Cut out all sugar for the month of January and July.
6. Give a recital.
7. Find a paid position singing at a church
8. Journal my dreams.

Now here's my justifications - not because I think you need to know them, but because I can't sleep for thinking about them.

1. One of the major reasons we wanted to move to the east side was because we wanted to be closer to our support system of friends and family. We did just have a baby and this tends to throw a wrench into making plans with people and Paul works 50+ hour work weeks so this is rather challenging. But I'm a social person and the people I surround myself have a big impact on my day to day life. I want to surround myself with the people that support me and make me feel good about life and myself. So be warned, I may become rather annoying at trying to spend time with you.

2. I was listening to talk radio - something I tend to do often - and I don't remember who had said it but the host talking struck a cord (chord?) with me. He said that he and his wife had come to an agreement when they had their first baby last year that they wanted to be present for their children. This means something very different now than it did even 5 years ago. In this day and age it is very easy to get swept up in technology. I consider myself a key offender. I already find myself mindlessly ignoring my baby because I'm on facebook. I don't want my baby to grow up feeling like she has to compete with my computer.  So I'm going to try to block out one day a week - or the equivalent spread over the week - where there is no tv, no computer, no smart phone, no video games.

3. This goes back to my high cholesterol problem. My doctor told me the key issue is my lack of exercise. I need to make it a priority to get my butt moving in one chunk of time every day without fail. I can add other exercise that's more challenging if I want as an alternate, but I need to be doing something and since I had Charlotte it hasn't been happening. So come rain, come shine, come hell or high water, I'm taking to the streets. 20 minutes a day. Every day.

4. I missed Dragon Boating so much last year and what's worse is I had conflicts whenever there was a race that was close enough for me to go support so I didn't get to see my team once last year. I miss them terribly! I miss the invigoration of being out on the river. I miss being a part of something. So come spring, I'm getting my chubby butt back out on that boat and starting from square one again. I just hope they'll have me!

My reward if successful.

5. This is also related to my cholesterol, but also because I find it kind of disturbing at how thoroughly addicted I am to refined sugar. This includes fake sugar too. I'd like to make this something I do more permanently and I may adjust the frequency that I do my sugar detox, but for now I'm going to hit a 30 day cleanse.

6. I've been thinking about doing this since the Fall anyway, but if I put it on paper, I'm more likely not to back down from the challenge. I want to grow as a singer. This is how I'm going to do it. I don't care if I sing to an audience of 10, I'm going to make it happen!

7. I'm debatable about this still. First it conflicts with dragon boating quite a bit - although most church jobs give you a sabbatical during the summer when paddling is in full swing. But I would like to be singing on a regular basis and I would like to be earning a paycheck. The other nice thing about this is the hours are conducive to a full time mom.

8. This is more for fun than anything. I watched a documentary on netflix about dreams and there was a doctor that did a study where he found that over a long period of time, thematic elements in dreams really gave insight into peoples mental state about their lives. I'd like to keep track just to see if I'm heading in the right directions.

I feel like my list has some manageable challenges in it. Perhaps if I start to succeed at some of these goals I'll be able to get to sleep easier!

On a completely off tangent, I'm listening to a recording of Choral Cross-Ties singing Lauridsen's Madrigali. It's absolutely breath-taking. I hope I get to sing them with a choir of equal quality someday.