I found another hole in one of my maternity shirts yesterday. I am appalled at how poorly made maternity clothes are. I have found holes in nearly everything I've been wearing. I found a hole in the middle of the butt of my gray velour lounge pants! It's not even on a seam! I'm very annoyed.
I had another prenatal appointment yesterday. My midwife instructed me to drink a boatload of water every day. This is going to be difficult to do, but I'll try. I'm getting fat enough and I had a gestational diabetes test done. I was excited because I have appointments every two weeks instead of every month now. We also start our prenatal classes next week and they gave me a list of questions to answer to construct my birth plan. I spent some time thinking about them and writing my answers down. It's exciting to be getting closer to the finish line - or the starting line I suppose depending on how you look at it.
The job front is a bit of a let down. It sounds like the teacher is going to be able to resume her job leaving me back where I was and a bit poorer for wear. It sucks that I had to spend so much money, time and gas getting fingerprinted, processed and educated enough to their liking to get a job that I didn't even really get to do. I feel horribly guilty for having to abandon the kids after telling them that I would be there, but what the hell can I do? At least I will be less stressed out and have my days back to myself again even if doing nothing is not very stimulating or gratifying. I found myself trying not to cry about it when I was subbing at another school yesterday. Yet another choir program that I won't ever get to be the teacher of. Another group of kids that recognize me but don't remember my name.
The hardest part of this was the glimmer of hope that has yet again been snatched away from me. I was finally able to visualize my own program with the knowledge that it was really mine. I was going to conduct concerts and take the kids to choir festivals. I was going to have a small tour to recruit from the middle and elementary schools. I learned the kids names and had written a weeks worth of lesson plans. We had extra rehearsals and meetings planned to prepare for a choir tour. And now it's all gone.
It feels like losing a baby that you're going to adopt that you haven't met yet. You become so attached to them because they will be your responsibility and you are going to do so many things with them and learn and grow when you finally meet them, but then they're given away to someone else and you never get to meet them and you'll never know what kind of joys and challenges they could have brought to your life. It hurts to lose them. It hurts to have done everything to prepare for their arrival and then to have a house full of things that you'll never use.
I guess it's time to move on yet again.
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