Well, today marks 39 weeks, and I knew it would get more and more uncomfortable but couldn't have predicted it would be like this. I assumed that I'd get to this point and just be eager to reach the finish line because I'd been waiting for it so long. But it's a bit more complex than that. A mix of physical discomfort, emotional distress, and the unpredictability of the future has me basically disabled right now.
First off, I'm super big so I only have a few things left that I can wear that cover my giant belly. I've taken to stealing Paul's t-shirts. What's most frustrating is that I manage to spill something on my front nearly every time I eat and with a limited wardrobe I can't really change my clothes that often. I get so angry when I spill on myself! My feet are swollen so my shoes don't fit so I'm limited to flip-flops. Bad shoes + swollen ankles = sore feet = sore hips = cranky me.
The weight of the dropped baby is entirely on my right hip. I can only walk about 10 minutes before I'm in pain. I didn't realize how much walking around stores by myself recharges me. Since I can't really walk, I've been missing out on my alone time and thus haven't been coping with added stress well. Since I don't have my coping system, I end up getting really moody or crying all over Paul.
Sunday night we went to get Cold Stone to help me feel better. I hadn't left the house all day so I thought the combo of sugar and getting out might help. Because my swollen ankles, dripping ice cream on my shirt, and the feeling of exhaustion I was nearly in tears by the time we got home so I decided to sit in our bed with my feet propped up. I ended up pulling one of the tendons that supports the uterus causing a huge amount of pain. My arms were shaky from trying to support my weight as I tried to get comfortable and I just burst into tears. Crying makes it worse because I can't breathe and end up hyperventilating. Paul rubbed my feet and got me water. I can't imagine this without him.
The threat of the future has me rather worried and scared as well. I'm not even worried about being a new parent. Honestly that's the thing I'm looking forward to most. What has me scared is the lack of two incomes for the next couple of months combined with our lease being up the end of August. I don't know how we're going to afford to move yet again, and as much as I love our apartment, we really can't afford to stay here. I started looking at some future living possibilities and applying to jobs that I may be able to do without having to put our baby in daycare. Still, having such huge factors unsettled has me losing sleep and feeling helpless to do anything about it.
It seems the one thing that best relief would be for me to get this baby out. I don't blame her for avoiding the outside world when it seems to be causing so much stress to her warm cushioned environment. I have a massage this afternoon. Maybe I can find a happy place so she'll be more inclined to come out!
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