Most people that know me find out pretty quickly that I like to be good at stuff. I like to be organized, I like things clean, I have a system for everything, and I like to feel in control, even if everything is chaos. I've managed to rise to many challenges by employing my many methods of organization. I educate myself, I read everything I can find, I consult with lots of people to understand better, I talk through stuff and teach it to other people so I can really fully understand it. I create a system, lists, databases, computer programs, groups, support systems. This has worked for all of my undergrad classes, a stressful masters program, my wedding, other people's weddings, and my pregnancy.
But babies are different. Today was one of those days that reminded me that I can't be good at everything, and that I can't have things on my terms. For some reason Charlotte just decided today and yesterday that she wasn't going to sleep and that she was going to fuss and spit up constantly. I've gone through every single one of my 18 burp cloths in the last two days. There is no system of feeding or laundry, or changing that is consistent. No book can convince my 6-week-old to stay latched longer or sleep more. I can't get her to do anything that is convenient or predictable. This has me thrown for a loop! Usually I can at least convince other people to meet me half way to an arrangement that is somewhat comfortable for me. I have no power here.
I had intended to spend my day today going through more of our stuff and packing, perhaps cleaning and putting laundry away. I don't feel "okay" if things are in disarray. Instead I spent the day in my recliner in my spit-up-soaked pajamas wishing I had the energy to even make myself a meal. Luckily I had a tray of chocolates to sustain me until around 2 this afternoon. I've never felt so utterly defeated in my entire life...and I've had some pretty low points before. I considered myself fairly patient before, but being a parent has pushed me to a whole new level. I feel my death grip on my sense of "normality" being broken little by little. I hate how out of control I feel. I'm sure my tears and sobs aren't just a sign a stress but also a form of mourning. I have to learn to let go of what feels like "okay" and it's hard when you spend such a huge amount of time establishing it.
If I seem extra preachy lately, be patient with me. It's probably a symptom of my trying to validate what feel like incredibly lacking parenting skills. I know I'm probably better than I think I am. My baby girl is still thriving and doing all the things she's supposed to do. It's just a huge adjustment for me to have to do it her way instead of my own.
I can totally relate to this blog post.
ReplyDeleteI hit this point with d'Artagnan when he was 15 months old and spent the next 6 months trying everything on the planet and begging and pleading for him to just fit into my defention of normal.
And he wouldn't. And he didn't. And he still isn't. And I realized I was the one who needed to change.
Each kid is different, try to learn from her. They teach you a lot about life without having lived very long. You'll be the expert at being Charlotte's mom, and that's what's important.
And try to eat healthy! It's hard to find time but the sugar crashes will make everything seem worse!